Part 148

I stood rooted to the spot as his mouth drew closer to mine. My mind and body had gone numb, unable to process what was happening. Through the numbness my mind was processing the most inane of things; the musky scent of him, sleep and sweat mixed with a faint, stale hint of cologne; his warm breath washing over my face, tea, overlaid by a faint scent of toothpaste, mixed with something indefinable; his arm brushing against my hand, the short hairs prickling my soft skin; then his mouth brushed against mine, his lips warm and dry, pressing, trying to mould into mine…and the horror-induced trance that had fallen over me shattered like a huge chandelier, splintering into a million shards, the vibrations rocketing through my body, shuddering in every nerve-ending, jarring me violently. With a gasp I jerked my head to one side, then raised my arms and shoved him back as best as I could. Caught off-guard he stumbled backwards, the back of his knees hitting into the table behind him, making him clutch the table for support. I took a step towards him and, raising my right arm, slapped him hard across his face.

“Bas***d!!! How…dare…you???”

I bit the words off through clenched teeth, my chest heaving, my breath coming in short, quick gasps. My face was feeling hot and my eyes were burning, a sign of imminent tears. I caught a glimpse of horror etched on his face; and then I was running from there, flinging the door open on my way out.

I ran blindly, without having the faintest idea of where I was going. Tears prickled at the back of my eyes but I blinked furiously, forcing them back. Thoughts warred with each other, trying to crowd into my mind but I forced them back as well through sheer will, and ran harder to drown them out. Somehow my mind led my body to the beach. I ran along the shoreline, my feet pounding in time to the waves crashing and breaking onto the shore, creating a turbulent melody. I ran without conscious thought, wanting only to escape the reality of what had happened. I ran until my lungs felt like they would burst into flames and my legs threatened to give way under me. In the end my body refused to obey my mind’s insistent commands, to run, keep running, and simply stopped. I dropped to my knees, back hunched, head down, drawing great gulps of air into my burning lungs. For a time I concentrated only on my heart pounding in my ears, on my laboured breathing. However, as my heart rate and breathing slowed, sense returned; and I could not stop the thoughts crowding in once more, breaking through the fragile barrier I had erected to keep them out.

Why, Bashir????????

And then the tears came; torrents of scalding liquid, flowing down my face unheeded. I wrapped my arms around my middle and sobbed out my shame, disgust and heartbreak. I rubbed the tears over my mouth, scrubbing it over and over it again till my lips felt raw, wanting to erase all traces of the humiliating incident. I clenched my hands hard, my nails digging into my palms, and pounded the sand below me, raining my fists down in a storm of helpless fury. I cried until I felt like there was nothing left in me; and still I cried, silently this time, letting the tears drip off my chin and onto the sand.

After what seemed like an eternity I dragged myself to my feet. With a glance around me…I had run so far that I had reached an almost-deserted spot of the beach, and whoever else was around was too far away to see what I was doing…I pulled off my socks and shoes, tucked my abaya around my knees and waded into the cold water. I gasped as the cold liquid bit into my skin, sloshing over my feet and calves. I was getting my leggings all wet but I was beyond the point where I would care about something so mundane. I turned around and started walking back the way I had come, splashing through the water, allowing the thoughts to tumble through my mind, spinning round and round in a dizzying blur. I felt a multitude of emotions; rage at what Bashir had done, shame at having allowed him to do it, disgust at the thought of what had happened, self recriminations at having somehow led him to it…

How could he?????? I had taken him as a brother, as a friend, as a confidante…how could he betray me like that??? I had trusted him!!!! I had allowed myself to become comfortable around him, letting down my guard…only to be stabbed in the back like this?????

“Bloody, dirty-minded pervert!” I muttered out loud, kicking furiously at the sand beneath the water. I yelped as my toe struck something hard.

Or had it been me? Had I been too forward with him, too friendly, too open?? Had I given him the wrong impression…that I liked him maybe?? I shuddered at the thought, tasting bile at the back of my throat. Why had I let down my guard with him? Why had I smiled so freely at him? Why had I joked so easily with him?? My mind chose that untimely moment to present me with the most damning evidence; me sitting across Bashir in the kitchen, having breakfast cozily with him, laughing and chatting with him…oh Allah, I moaned softly, how could I? Tears trickled down my face again and I hunched my shoulders in shame, staring down at the water through blurry eyes. Bashir was a man, and men obviously had desires. If I hadn’t been so open with him I wouldn’t have tempted him then none of this would have happened…it was my fault, all my fault…

If only I could go back in time; I would never have allowed him to lay eyes on me. I would have stayed the hell away from him. I would never have set foot in his house. I would never have…

But you didn’t, did you? A voice whispered insidiously in my head, you sat at the same table with him. You ate with him while his wife was peacefully asleep…

His wife…oh Allah! I cried as Zee’s face flashed through my mind suddenly. Guilt slammed into me, hard and fast, almost sending me to my knees with the brutal force of it…Zee…soft, trusting Zee…betrayed by her best friend and her husband…

“Oh Allah…oh Allah…not Zee, please, not Zee,” I wept, fresh tears rolling down my face. Would he tell her? Would Bashir tell her? Probably not, if he was feeling as horrified as I was…but he might tell her from guilt and a sense of obligation. What if he did? What would she say? How would she feel, knowing that her own best friend and her husband…two of the people she most trusted…

“Allah, please, don’t let Zee find out. Please, Ya Allah, please don’t let her find out. It will destroy our friendship, Ya Allah, it will destroy her marriage…it will destroy her, Ya Allah, please…” I prayed mindlessly, weeping, feeling like my own heart was shattering into a million pieces.

I stumbled along, my mind a jumbled mess of emotions, my eyes blurred with tears, unable to see anything except for Zee’s face, the trusting look in her eyes changing to shock, then horror as awareness set in…then hardening into hatred; the soft, smiling face turning into cold marble. The mistakes of a moment are expiated only by a lifetime of penance…

When the phone call came I did not register the sound at first, lost as I was in my own thoughts. Then I felt the vibration in my pocket and the muffled nasheed emerging from within and hastily whipped out my phone, swiping my hand across my eyes to see clearly. It was mum. I saw her name flashing on the screen at the same time as I spotted the time mentioned above; it was past ten. She must be frantic. I quickly scrubbed my face free of tears, even though she could not see my face, cleared my throat a few times to sound reasonably convincing then answered.

“Salaams, mummy, I’m coming.”

“Where you??? Do you know what the time is, Fazila???”

“Uh…jee, I know, mummy. I’m sorry, I’m coming right now.”

“Where are you?”

“At the beach…”

“Beach?? What you doing at the beach???”

“Thinking,” I replied simply. Something in my voice must have stopped her because she cut off whatever else she was about to say, told me to come home immediately and hung up. I turned to face the vast blue ocean and bent down, scooping water into my hands and splashing it over my face to erase all traces of sweat and tears. My eyes felt puffy and I was sure they must be red and swollen, but at least my face felt better after I washed it. Turning back I walked onto the sand and sat down, drying my feet as best as I could before pulling on my socks and shoes again. Then I began my long walk home, grateful for the walk and the time it took to reach home, to try and pull myself together into some semblance of normality. Mum would probably know that something was up when she saw me but I could try to hide it as much as possible…and if she was in the bathroom or in her room and I could slip up unnoticed to my bedroom then all the better.

I could hear mum in the kitchen as I entered but I didn’t pause to check. Making salaam loudly I called, “going to shower, mummy,” and scooted up the stairs, into my room to get fresh, clean clothes then into the bathroom in quick order. I felt much better after I had showered, though my emotions were still raw and I knew any little thing was enough to set me off again. Thankfully though, no one pressed me to say anything at lunch time, though they did ask and comment. I simply waved off their inquiries as no big deal, saying it was a small argument that had occured between a friend and I, and I was perfectly okay now. They were not entirely convinced but they accepted it for the time being. I spotted Adnaan looking at me thoughtfully more than once and knew he’d probably tackle me later on but for now he left it as well.

I spent the rest of the day moping around in my room, feeling low and horrible. Thankfully Zee didn’t message at all; I didn’t think I could bear to talk to her at the moment, even on WhatsApp. I had no idea what would happen from the next day, when she would expect me to show up as usual but I did not want to think about any of that now. I tried to sleep after lunch but sleep evaded me, my mind choosing instead to taunt me with images best forgotten. With a loud, irritated sigh I jumped off the bed and went to rifle through my book shelf. A thriller. That’s what I needed. A fast paced book with so many twists and turns it would leave my brain boggled with no time to think of anything else; that would serve the sadistic lump of flesh right!

I tried for fifteen minutes; fifteen minutes of reading the words before me, frowning in ferocious concentration, trying to disappear into the world of fiction and make-believe. But it was no good. My mind could not concentrate on the words for more than two minutes at a time. Finally I gave up and threw the book across the room with all my might, sending it crashing into the wall and drifting to the floor in a swirl of loose pages.

Why was I seeking oblivion in the wrong things? Nothing could help me now except dua and sadaqah. That’s what I needed to do, turn to Allah and beg Him to set things right. With renewed conviction I stood up and went to make wudhu. The cold water sluicing over my limbs made me feel rejuvenated immediately. Then, laying out the musallah, I prayed two rakahs of nafl salah and raised my hands in dua. I begged Allah to forgive me, forgive my wrongs, to not let Zee find out, to not spoil my friendship with Zee or spoil her marriage….I let the tears pour down my face as I let down my guard with my creator; the only Being infront of whom I did not have to put up any guard….the only Being who would never break my trust, who would take my secrets and heartbreak and grant me solace in return. By the time I said ameen I felt infinitely lighter. Wiping my hands over my face I turned around and retrieved my quran from the top shelf. I opened it to the page I had reached and started reading. The soothing, melodious words of the quran dispelled the last of my worries and I recited page after page, letting the words wash over me…my mind for once totally absorbed in the beautiful words of my Rabb. Time flew by but I had no clue; only stopping my recitation when Han poked her head to tell me to come down for tea. I gave her a warm smile and told me I’d be right there. She looked relieved at seeing me as my normal self and nodded before disappearing. I prayed till the next ruku then stopped and closed my quran. This time when I went downstairs I was able to converse with my family and act normal because for the moment I did feel normal and like everything was okay. Tomorrow would bring its fair share of worries but for today I was fine…

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65 thoughts on “Part 148”

  1. Just love this. . Love this lesson that we all should learn. . That we can’t find solace in other things. . It’s Allah Ta’ala, Salaah, Tilaawat & Zikr that can & will relieve us of our burdens provided we have the Faith & Trust in Allah Ta’ala. .

    Yes we are all not perfect, we are meant to sin but it is a test to see what we do after we sin. . Allah Ta’ala knows that we will do wrong, it’s taqdeer after all, was meant to happen between Faz & Bashir. . Now it’s for them both to take heed from this. . Make maaf & steer clear of each other the way it’s supposed to be, for lil Laaibah & Zee’s sake. .

    But on the other hand, our youth MUST not feel that it’s ok to sin. . NO WAY! That is Shaytaan talking. . We also need to steer clear. . But if for whatever reason, we tried really hard & sin still happened then we need to turn to Allah Ta’ala, make towbah & ask to be protected from the sin in future & make you strong enough to stay away too. . That after all is what BEING MUSLIM is.

    Brilliant post. . Anxiously awaiting Monday. . Take care till then. . 👌🌟💞💐

    Liked by 10 people

    1. Very wise words ukhti. It’s so true,we must try and stay away from sin as much as possible…but if we do end up sinning,and we will because we’re human,we should not lose hope in the mercy of Allah and hasten to make tawbah and istighfaar…
      Shukran ukhti😘 take care❤

      Liked by 4 people

  2. Shukr Faz used her brains and put Bashir in his place. I was so worried that something worse would happen but our Faz knows her limits…
    Sister I love how you drew the attention of the readers to the very important fact that we will only find solace through Duaa and Sadaqah and through the Qur’aan.
    Hope we get another bonus post soon ان شاءالله (wink)

    Liked by 4 people

  3. What she needs to realise and take stock off that “why” it happened??
    Because she is too free with men!!!
    She needs to go into purdah!!
    Thats the best thing for women…that small piece of cli2th brings so much restriction and stops one from mixing with men completely…

    Liked by 2 people

  4. On a lighter note this post made me feel like going to the beach for a swim!!

    Allahumma ma ashadda harra hazal yowm Allahumma inni a’oozubika min harri naari jahannam

    Oh Allah how hot is this day oh Allah save us from the heat of the fire of jahannam
    Ameen

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I think Bashir as emotional as well..I mean it was all the heat of the moment but I’m sure he too would be as sad as faz was.. oh I really hope zee never ever finds out.. it’ll ruin her..sad reality though.. beautiful writing sister..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol but that doesn’t excuse the man. Yes a woman should take care of herself and give her hubby time as well after birth but even if she becomes a complete sloth it doesn’t justify the man looking elsewhere. Wrong is wrong no matter what😀

      Liked by 5 people

  6. Great post with brilliant lessons..masha Allah.

    Hope faz realises that modesty is not only in ones dressing but in character and behavior as well

    Since she has the Quraan in her heart, she is supposed to be so much more concious of her ways.

    Masha Allah sister for the lovely posts…. always

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Whoah was my first reaction. Jzk for the post today. I kept checking. Was on edge until I read it lol. Just a suggestion can we have a pov of Bashir perhaps next… Hope it’s sooner than monday

    Also I loved how this post can make us see so clearly why Islam is so beautiful n just in every way. A lesson comes to mind, I once heard an aalim say in his lecture that every law of Islam is there to serve us and not oppress us so we need to understand that it’s in place for our betterment n protection. Take this perfect example of faz and bash if only they abided by d law of shariah then they would have saved themselves from ever being in this kind of predicament.

    Wonderful read. Keep going authoress

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Faz has never had a boyfriend before, neither has she been in such a predicament aside from the almost rape part when Ahmed saved her. . . She has been friendly with guys, yes, but she has never crossed the line, ever. . I give her due. . Let this be her learning point now that she is becoming an Aalimah as well, she should cut down on communication with the opposite sex. .

      Liked by 2 people

  8. This is my first tum posting here, tho I really really wanted to b4. Perhaps its bcoz this post had left my heart feeling like it has a gaping hole that’s slowly closing ( as in its taking years).
    Its hard to read esp if the abuser is some1 close. U don’t know whether to hate the person, yet they cannot b avoided. Or after many years to forgive.
    As much as I think Basheer is an absolute dog, and absolutely hate what he did
    I think Allah forgives all sins
    But I’m still angry @ basheer- he has no justification

    Liked by 1 person

    1. May Allah make it easy for you sister. I am so sorry for what you have been through. It must be shattering to be betrayed by a person whom you trust but Allah is The All Seeing, All Hearing and he will definitely reward you for your sabr inshaAllah❤

      Like

  9. And wat abt fax. Everything said and done
    She can’t remove the memories, the hurt, that feel.
    She can’t gargle with jik even.

    I know- its one of the things that puts u off marriage, besides the fact that its sunnah to complete ur Deen. .
    Imagine knowing that ur first kiss that was supposed to b reserved for ur hubby was stolen- not sure if there’s such a thing Islamically
    N trust me its worst in real life

    Jazakillah for not letting zee walk in on them- its more realistic

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So true. I cannot say I relate but people who go through this and survive are so strong mashaAllah…stay strong sister and don’t allow that piece of crap to destroy your life. You are worth more than that and you will get a guy worthy of you inshaAllah (if you don’t have one already)❤

      Like

  10. When Zee n Bashir got married I thought their story was over…never expected this!!
    Poor Faz…at least she realised now mixing and being too free with Ghair-Mahaarim is wrong….(I hope she did)
    Really an emotional post..
    Jazaakillah♥

    Liked by 1 person

  11. So much going on..
    Firstly jazakallah for all those bonus posts..
    And ur post are like an addiction🤣..
    Poor faz bichari has to go through so much i just hope she puts a niqab on soon..
    Such amazing points mentioned just makes one realize what an amazing deen Allah has granted us..
    Just hope we can get anothet bounus.. well myb asking for too much..

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hey authoress amazing post! U can feel the raw emotions.tho i must say I was really amused at the part of toothpaste! lol that’s as realistic as it can get 😂😂😂

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Im the onli one that saw this coming lol
    Fazila is always too upfront with men n nana always use to warn her remeber lolz
    With bashir she was way too open n as it says zee is always sleepy n tired after baby n mayb bashir doesnt get enough attention n time wid her so now faz comes n pop in on mornings n even spend some time n breakfast with him it was going too far shaytaan harbour feelings in the heart of human
    Dnt get me wrong bashir is still a good person he can repent n ask Allah for forgivness is jus he was overpowered with ego shaytaan is the bad man… no starange man n woman can b alone xcept shaytaan is the 3rd party

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Love the post. But something in the comments has me feeling SO uncomfortable. This speaks to some mens predatorial behaviour and roaming eyes. Yes faz shouldve been more carefule etc etc. But really how can women be so harsh and unrealistic on each other. As if motherhood isnt tough enough, forget first time new mothers…we honestly still expect such impossibl standards of a woman? Perfectly modest girl. Perfect wife. Perfect mother. Give hubby enough attention to keep his eyes from roaming even while struggling through insane post-baby exhaustion. Perfect cook. Perfect house keeper. Perfect daughter in law. When does it end? Surely men should take responsibility for themselves a bit? Surely compassion and sensitivity isnt an unrealistic expectation of a man? why are the standards for them so much lower? Why must we be their keepers ontop of e.v.e.r.y. other thing we already have on our heads. We need to stand together as sisters and mothers. If bashir had a roaming eye, whether faz was in purdah or not, he wouldve roamed elsewhere then. He was talking about his secretary the other day so he wouldve perhaps gone there. Cannot blame a woman for a mans predatorial behaviour. I’m sorry but i feel so strongly and passionatley about this. Faz was too comfortable yes…but everything realistically considered, Bashir’s actions were NOT justified. Men have brains. We’re constantly reminded of it in this “man’s world”. So a woman cannot be expected to use it for them. And we absolutely cannot be expected to foot the blame whenever they refuse to use it. And we cannot be expected to be responsible for where they choose to land their eyes and how they control or dont control their nafs. This world is a trst for BOTH men and women. So why do women have to take blame for a man when he fails? We’ve been so programmed and conditioned to be soft easy targets for too long. It has to stop.

    Liked by 7 people

    1. Ukhti I cannot agree with your comment enough. If I could like this comment a million times over I would❤
      You are so so right. Women are always expected to be perfect and men get away with so much more. And who sets these standards? Women themselves! No wonder men find it so easy to abuse or cheat on their wives, because we have made it so easy for them to get away with it! Say for eg a man has to let go after marriage…he puts on weight or starts becoming untidy,getting lax in personal hygiene etc,and due to this his wife starts cheating on him. We would be the 1st 1s to call her a loose,immoral woman…but if a wife has to put on weight due to no fault of hers (through pregnancy),or starts slackening in grooming herself to perfection due to being a new mother (again not her fault) and her husband cheats on her,those same women will be quick to put the blame on her. So its ok for a man to expect perfection and complete loyalty from his wife but not vice versa? We women go through all this,we should be more compassionate towards fellow women instead of being the ones to drag them down…
      In these posts I am in no way blaming zee for what has happened,so I will not even be touching on her grooming herself and giving her husband attention after the baby came. Whether she’s still the “perfect” wife or not,Bashir had no right to look elsewhere and he will be answerable to that,not her…
      Sister nazified,I thank you for pointing this out. I tried above to mention these points but not as well as you did and then I just left it. But it needed to be said. Shukran once again❤❤❤

      Liked by 2 people

  15. YES, YES!!! THIS! its like you’ve voiced my thoughts so well. what has happened has nothing to do with zee. This has happened because of 2 non mahrims being alone in which case the 3rd party is shaytan. i absolutely LOVE ur comment. 👍👌👏👏

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Its so disheartening that as women we find SO many excuses for men but yet are so incredibly harsh on each other. It takes such strength and resilience to be a woman in this world… feels impossible sometimes.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Whilst the reason of what transpired is the lack of niqaab and laws of purdah from both parties faz and bashir.zee also should have some ghaira.ghaira meaning not giving faz such a place in their home where she feels so free in her kitchen ,with her husband etc.Had zee been abit protective that is not allowing basheer interacting with faz every morning perhaps this would have not resulted soo badly.this was sure coming anyway with the way faz is so be sharam and bash so free with naa mahrameen.so we cannot leave zee as the innocent bechari.she should have waited up for faz ,given her the baby and went to nap till baby is home. Trust me I so know about post baby troubles.but I would die if my hubby waits up for my bestie and pass her the baby even tho my hubby is like a saint shukr.he would never do it anyway.so in my opinion all three is to blame.zee should have ghaira and not trust any female with her husband as shaytaan is too wicked and bashir should be modest and lower his gaze.zee should groom herself for hubby but her lack of it doesn’t justify his wrong he should be compassionate and understanding and not break her heart.the lesson here is to adhere to the laws of Allah talaa and never remove the safety net.and we wives are a means to save our spouses from fitnaa ,a guard libaas.for him to take solace from.we should strive to be the best women in all roles for the rewards for our roles are numerous for staying up is a reward for pleasing our husband is a reward.we live for Allah and we live to please HIM alone.if a man wishes to remarry he is permitted to do so but there’s no justification for zinaa its his sin .

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes ukhti you are right in that Zee should have had more ghairah. She was too trusting and naive…what I don’t agree with is the woman being blamed for what men do,meaning they don’t take care of themselves etc which is why their husbands stray…

        Like

  17. This above comment says it all noone is responsible for each others sin.
    Zee shud have ghaira
    Faz shud observe niqab
    Bash shud lower his gaze n also dnt use as an excuse that zee is perfect eives these dwys he shud understan with baby how it is but also at times zee shud gve her time to hubby
    Not sayin becuz of her slacking thats y zee did dat faz shud never b there alone wid bash they were gettin ti comfortable

    Liked by 1 person

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