Part 218

I stayed at Seascape for three days. I spent that time sleeping, praying, meditating…and just being me. There were no rules here. No one to tell me what time I should wake up, what time I should do what. There was just me and I relished this freedom fully. I ate simple meals outside, on the deck or on the lawn…I swam in the pool and in the ocean, letting the cold water refresh me. I took long walks on the beach, letting my soothing surroundings clear my mind. This was my me-time and I made the most of it. I hardly touched my phone or laptop; I would have switched off my phone and totally disconnected if it hadn’t been for Ahmed and Zee, both of whom kept checking up on me multiple times each day. More so Ahmed. I could tell he was still worried but he gave me my space. And I was glad he did, otherwise the resentment within me would have spilled over onto him and I would have said things I wouldn’t have been able to take back later on. He was also responsible. He was also responsible for me being in this mess and that I could not deny.

On Friday I packed my bag and headed to my mum’s house for my weekly visit, refreshed in mind and body but no closer to finding a solution. What could I do? I dreaded going back to that house but what choice did I have? When was Ahmed going to open his eyes and take the step of moving out? I was tired of having to spell every little thing out to him. And I had mentioned wanting to move out several times before to him. He knew that’s what I wanted. I did not have to spell it out to him again. I wanted him to take the initiative himself…so I said nothing when I met him later that night at the family braai. We didn’t say much to each other then since there were people around. He did ask me if I would be going home with him, to which I nodded briefly, noting the relief in his face. I couldn’t hide away forever. Things had to come to a head, and soon.

I followed him back home in my car and followed him inside silently while he carried my bag up the stairs. Alone in our room at last Ahmed turned to me and took me in his arms.

“I’m sorry, princess,” he said softly, “Humi told me what happened that day. I’m so sorry. I have no idea what mummy was thinking, to do something like that.”

I leaned back to look at him. Regret and sympathy were carved into the strong planes of his face. “Humi told you? What about mummy? Did you ask her?”

“Yeah, I did. She denied it,” he sighed and rubbed his face, “she’s…” he trailed off, shaking his head. I saw the weary resignation in his face. Was he finally realising the true colours of his mother?

“She will never accept her faults. And she will never change. You need to accept that,” I said slowly.

“Yes. I know. She’s been this way her whole life. She can’t change now. It’s too late.” Bittersweet words, coming from the mouth of someone who always looked for the good in people, sometimes to the extent of becoming blind to their faults.

“Yes,” I agreed. There were a few minutes of silence as we both searched for something…words chosen from the recesses of our minds, then discarded as insignificant. How to express the multitude of emotions going through me at that moment? Then, “so now what?” I asked. Coming to the heart of the matter…

Ahmed sighed. “I don’t know. So many things to think about. It’s…difficult.”

Difficult. Even after all this…it was difficult. When, then, would it become easy??? Mere words were paltry when they weren’t backed up by action. Disappointment coursing through me yet again I pulled away, mumbling an excuse of being tired, and escaped to the private confines of the bathroom. I went through the motions of brushing my teeth, taking a shower and changing into my pjs robotically then sank into bed and fell asleep, hardly aware when Ahmed came to bed as well.

The next day we all went to Seascape for the weekend, forcing me into close proximity with my mother inlaw yet again. I had little to say to her and spoke to her only as much as necessary, though I was unfailingly polite and respectful. The weekend passed with a bit of a muted atmosphere; mummy and daddy were their usual selves but Humi and Ahmed were more subdued and even Dalia seemed to sense the undercurrents of tension running through the house and was quieter. Ahmed and I were not on normal terms just yet… I mainly did my own thing…

Then came Monday, when the men were all out once again and it was me, Humi and mummy in the kitchen once again. Dalia seemed to sense the strained atmosphere and opted to stay more in her room. And strained it was. With mummy once again in control of her domain she started her usual tactics again. She probably didn’t like the fact that I went away for a few days and I suspected that she also suspected me of telling Ahmed what really went on that day at the tea party. So in her usual way she tried to bring me down and bend me to her will yet again. But now, after becoming thoroughly disillusioned by her, I had become numb inside. I had erected an armour around myself so she could not pierce it again. I would not give her the power to hurt me again. I mechanically moved through my chores while letting her jibes and insults slide off me. Day after day I donned my armour and ventured into the battlefield, determined that I would emerge victorious…my victory being her inability to penetrate my defense. But even the strongest armour cannot withstand continuous attacks. Even the strongest armour will eventually wear and tear…will develop chinks, dents, cracks. And my mother inlaw was an expert at finding the chinks in her enemy’s armour and aiming her poison-tipped arrows accordingly. With military precision she wore down my defenses one by one, leaving me helpless and bleeding in the open, vulnerable to any further attacks. And like a cornered animal I reacted with an aggression far beyond my normal capabilities. And that turned out to be the turning point in all our lives…

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77 thoughts on “Part 218”

  1. Oh faz, I can imagine how hard it is, I pray she doesn’t ask for divorce… Her and Ahmed are good together except for Mrs. Holy I know how to control…. Seriously if this was an actual real life story I might fly to south Africa and hit that Nilofer although I know it’s useless, C’mon why can’t Ahmed grow a backbone and stand up for his wife, this man is really disappointing me I regret shipping them together now😒of which I’m still doing😏

    Liked by 3 people

  2. This is truly a jihad for Faz!!
    Now what’s going to happen…🙈
    Hope it’s not as bad as it sounds….
    As for Ahmed, shame, he is really stuck now… by signing the ‘DOCUMENT’😳

    Hope you and the kids are better 💕

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Omg wow didnt expect her to return home and continue as tho nothing happened. Cant wait to see what happens next. I really thought they would be moving out in this post or taking steps towards it

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Allahu akber.. seriously I need to slap this woman ..a really hard one.. I even don’t like the name nilofer anymore..😫

    Hop you well now my dear.. Allah make you well quickly inshallah..

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Aye! I know this feeling of returning after one leaves. And I think it gives the mil more power. Because she knows her power over her son.
    And that makes it so difficult. The armor don’t last long. But the danger is in losing it.
    And that’s when all hell breaks lose.
    My plan of action was to find my own place. Without him. Let’s c wat plays out.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hope you and the kids are feeling better…
    it’s a very dark place to be in where Faz is at the moment, there are many who just go through marriage mechanically because of other prople’s actions and the husband feels he needs to keep the peace but doesn’t realize that peace comes at the cost of his wife’s sanity and emotions….

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I know everyone is on team hate mil right now but also think of the fact that a mil is like a mother to you and no matter what your mother does forgive and overlook it. Yes lots of patience is tested but it’s only test from Allah and he doesn’t give a problem without a solution. Fadheela must be going through so much but just cry it out and make dua. And cry and cry and cry. Crying helps.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your comment indicates that you have not been the victim of a controlling mil! As Muslims we respect and honour all human beings, but when pushed to a corner by a control freak thats the most you can bear. Its different from having a controlling mother coz a mother would somehow have a soft spot but believe me when you have a mil as such, your home becomes the last place you want to be and that feeling is so not nice.. makes you feel homeless 😦 and its worse when you have children

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Jee I guess you are right. I haven’t experienced the controlling mother in law type as faz is. I guess you will only understand the situation once you are in the same shoes hey.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. What i fail to understand is why aren’t they confiding in one another..okay so I’m not married so I don’t know how married people supposed to behave. But why didn’t fadheelah ask him ..What is difficult in leaving ?I’m going through so much here and all you do is mention it’s difficult. Why can’t we move . Explain so that I can understand..and he must tell her..
    Aren’t married people supposed to be talking to each other and finding solace there..
    No one can read the extent of hurt unless we speak. Okay sorry sorry..I’m just wondering

    Liked by 1 person

    1. True… She’s backing off too quickly an shutting him out.
      Lol sister… My mums opinion is something needs to happen to aunty nilofer…. That leaves her at faz mercy. Where she can’t do without her 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Ok I’m not married either… Just thinking I guess sometimes you’re so “exhaustipated” of having to spell everything out like how our authoress said, so you have no energy remainding to ask more / explain further. You sort of push away & leave as is for the time being…

      Only my random thoughts. Like I said I’m not married either 😂 but from other experiences I relate to where you prefer pushing away for a bit… Until maybe a time arrives where you’re mentally prepared enough to broach the topic again.

      Maybe she wasn’t yet in the mode of where the words would come out correct..
      Maybe she’d say things she doesn’t mean…

      OK 😆 random rambles

      Liked by 3 people

  9. True… She’s backing off too quickly an shutting him out.
    Lol sister… My mums opinion is something needs to happen to aunty nilofer…. That leaves her at faz mercy. Where she can’t do without her 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Men can be so so doofus, it is not amusing, believe me you can spell something out to them and they still won’t understand
    And remember every home has different ways of doing things, so when a girl comes to her inlaws, she has to adapt to their ways, and sometimes the inlaws ways are weird to her, but to the hubby that is the only way he knows and so theirs nothing weird to him, so what do you even tell him…. Hope i make sense
    Sorry for the long story…

    Liked by 7 people

  11. Assalamualaikum, I hope you and the kids feeling better, May Allah grant you and kids complete shifa, aameen. Always look forward to every post. Jazakallah💓 wondering is Faz school still closed? From what I remember it’s over three weeks for her being home.

    Liked by 1 person

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