Part 220

Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh…

I…AM…BACK!!! Yes I’m as excited as you’ll are😜

I want to thank my incredible readers for all your support and duas during my long break. It’s what encouraged me to return sooner than I expected as well…the support and understanding. I have the best crew in the world…you’ll rock!!!🤗😘❤

Also, this post is dedicated to Miracle…for just being there for me when I needed it😘😘😘


It was a short drive to the house, which was on the next street. Dark and empty, it sat on what seemed to be a large piece of land, trees looming up at around us. I couldn’t see much else and I didn’t look around anyways, wrapped as I was in my own thoughts. I followed Ahmed into the house and moved around, turning on a few lights here and there. It was a single storey house, wide and spacious. I walked down the passage, peeping into the rooms as I went, till I reached a wide door at the end on my right. Opening it I found myself in a large master bedroom. A huge king sized bed graced one wall, floor-to-ceiling windows making up the opposite wall. Cupboards lined the third wall, with the fourth wall blank save for a huge frame depicting the beach…white sands and blue waters, the sun reflecting brightly off the water. Just my scene. I liked the room immediately.

“Well? How is it?” Ahmed asked, coming in with the bags. He dropped them at the foot of the bed.

“Nice. It’s really nice,” I replied, shooting him a smile. I opened my suitcase and retrieved my toothbrush, toothpaste and pjs before making use of the equally luxurious bathroom.

After praying esha I crashed, too exhausted to think of doing anything else.

I spent the next few days setting up house. It was a lovely house, with a wide, spacious kitchen overlooking the large back garden. It was interconnected with the dining room and lounge which made up the front half of the house. The three bedrooms were at the back, two singles side by side and the master bedroom opposite them, also overlooking the back garden. The garden itself was the best feature and I immediately fell in love with it. With a tall water feature in the middle and rolling green grass around it, bordered by vibrant roses in a multitude of colours, it was scenic, peaceful and soon became my favourite retreat. I spent many dawns and late afternoons curled up on the bench at one end or on the garden swing at the other end, lost in my own little world. I had finally found a safe haven after all the chaos that had been part of my life for months and I cherished it wholeheartedly.

If only that had been the end of it. In my mind it had been so simple. Move out. Get our own space and live happily ever after. Reality, however, was much more complex, marred by age-old scars that, though buried beneath the surface, were far from healed. I could not live my happily ever after…not until I walked the path of absolution.

Things between Ahmed and I were…strained. On the surface things were fine. We were finally alone and we were both more relaxed, able to be ourselves without any outside interference. Daddy, Humi and Dalia had come by a few times, bringing the rest of our things. Mummy still refused to acknowledge our existence. However, those scars were still there…and the reason for their presence was staring at me every single day.

It was not that I had intended to blame him. He got us out after all…but…a little too late. That was where my mind refused to move from. A little too late. After I had been through verbal abuse for months. After I’d had my self esteem ripped to shreds and thrown in my face. After the old bubbly, carefree Fazila had been ruthlessly crushed, leaving a shell of her former self in her place. He had removed me from that place but the damage was already done. And he hadn’t shielded me from the damage. In my mind I blamed him…I resented him and that resentment was festering away inside me. Sometimes it came bubbling out in a torrent of words. Ahmed did not say a word. He took every word I hurled at him silently…because in his mind too he was guilty. And just as resentment festered away inside me, so did guilt fester away inside him. He tried in dozens of way to make it up to me…to the extent of making plans of adding a swimming pool to the back garden, just because I had once voiced the wish of having one.

It was Sylvia who suggested counselling…or rather, insisted on it. She went as far as booking me by a brilliant Muslim woman and dragging me to her when the day of my appointment arrived. I grudgingly gave in only because the woman was a Muslim and came highly recommended by several people. I didn’t only want psychological advice, but from an Islamic point of view as well. Little did I know how much Nazia was going to impact on my life.

Those therapy sessions saved me…they pulled me out of the dark hole I’d buried myself in and allowed me to take a good hard look at myself. I was shocked at the person I’d become…at the bitter feelings I had buried deep inside me. Nazia drew each and every one of them out. She encouraged me to talk…talk about the emotions, thoughts and feelings I had buried, about the people who had incited such emotions. And I did talk. I let it all pour out, every bitter word pouring out of me like acid. I’d thought I was handling things just fine. The therapy sessions taught me that I hadn’t been handling things well at all. I needed to let it all out and let it go, not bury it in me and hope it would go away. It never did.

Then, after the floodgates had been opened and the dam of emotions released, came the process of building myself up again. Nazia told me to list all my good qualities. Before I’d have been able to list twenty…now I could barely list five. My mother inlaw’s words had penetrated deeper than I had realised. I felt like I was a good-for-nothing. After all, nothing I did ever pleased her. What did that say about me? Nazia told me to make a gratitude journal…to write one positive thing about myself in it every single day. And to make a list of things that make me happy and another list of things that make me sad, and do one thing that made me happy everyday.

“Remember, what that person says is beyond your control. But how you absorb it and how you react to it is in your control. So that’s the part you need to take control of. What if you meet another Nilofar in your future? Will you allow her to tear you down again? No. You’re worth more than that. So you’ll pause, take a breath and remind yourself that you’re not what another person says you are. Keep your response and emotions positive. You are a wonderful person, Fazila. Remember that and don’t let anyone take the power of self love away from you,” Nazia grasped my hands in hers and looked at me earnestly, willing her words to penetrate. I stared back at her silently, then gave a small nod. The old Fazila was slowly emerging again.

Then I spoke to Nazia about mine and Ahmed’s relationship…how I was still feeling resentful over his inability to move out before this…how it was affecting our relationship.

“Look, Fazila. Men are not mind readers. They’re not even hint pickers. They need things spelt out for them in black and white. Tell me, when you were going through all this, did you sit down and tell him what his mother was doing? Exact words and scenario?”

“I tried a couple of times. He told me to make sabr. After that I gave up,” I replied.

“That was wrong of him. Sabr doesn’t mean passively sitting and doing nothing. Did he expect you to just take the abuse?”

“He thought his mother will change eventually, that I just have to be kind to her,” I replied.

“And when she didn’t…did you tell him how she still was?”

He could see for himself how she was. He’s not blind,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Did his mother behave that way around him as well?”

“She didn’t insult or put me down directly infront of him but she constantly criticised me to him.”

“And…?”

“And nothing. He kept being blindly optimistic that she’ll change eventually. Plus his parents had drawn up some silly contract about him having to stay with them for one year at least, so he thought if I play kind she’ll change and if she doesn’t we can move out after the year had passed…one year he expected me to stay in that hellhole! He should have stayed with her himself if he was so optimistic!” I retorted heatedly.

Nazia looked at me, nodding her head thoughtfully. “Have you told him any of this?”

“Yeah, I lost my temper and ranted about all this to him the night we moved out.”

“And after moving out…have you spoken to him about any of this?”

“No, what’s the point? He knows how I feel about all this.”

“Maybe not. Fazila, men need things in black and white. He knows you’re still hurting but you can’t carry on like this. You need to sit down with him and tell him all this. Let it off your chest then let it go. Even while staying with his parents, you should have carried on telling him about how you feel, not given up and thought he can see for himself. He needed to hear it from you…how you were coping, how you were feeling. How you’re telling me. You needed to tell him. It would have made things clearer in his mind…”

I nodded, slowly getting what she was saying. She was right. I had become so frustrated I had either kept silent, not wanting to bang my head against a brick wall again, which was what I thought about speaking to Ahmed…or ranted to him when the frustration became too much. Both ways weren’t effective. I should have been clear and concise, though I was still annoyed at how dense men could be sometimes!

“So put that on your list. Sit down with your husband. Tell him everything. Make him hear it all, whether it’s hard to hear or not. Then let it go, Fazila. Both of you have started a new chapter in your lives. Don’t let the past come between you. Look ahead now… and remember. Every experience either makes you or breaks you. It depends on how you take it. You can either move forward from this together, stronger than ever…or not at all. The decision is in your hands.”

I nodded again as I got up to leave. “Jazakillah, Nazia. For putting things into perspective for me,” I said, hugging her.

That was not the end of the road but it was a start. I went home that day full of hope and renewed intentions. But life has a way of getting in between sometimes…making even the most well laid plans turn to dust. And things between Ahmed and I, instead of improving, continued to deteriorate…

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62 thoughts on “Part 220”

  1. Yayyyyy!!!! You’re back!!!
    I’m so happy for them..
    Having their own space and working to making their marriage the best. But that niggling feeling in the back of my mind keeps coming to remind me that something is going to happen😭😭😭

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You Posted! You Posted! You Posted! ! Man You were missed. . Welcome back Authoress. . So glad Faz is going to therapy. . But hope she & Ahmed can make amends though. . Sort of need to put in a new foundation so to say .

    Liked by 3 people

  3. مَاشَآء اللّهُ. So excited to hear my Fazila going for councelling. Such a good step forward.
    Yes. The resentment can take its toll. So she needs to open up. Shame . Feel sorry for Ahmed now. We women do get caught up in our hurt and expect men to understand. Remind me of myself. Recently I wasn’t well. So I was missing my grandkids. While making dua, I began to cry. Silent tears flowed. Now how is hubby going to know? Especially when he’s reading behind me? When I finished , I went for a tissue. And he asked “ what’s wrong, u been crying.?” And I just glared at him. Like. Yeah. U can see the tears. It was time for Fajr and he had to leave. So he kissed my head , made Salam and left. And I cried more. Because he left. Not thinking that he’s going to be delayed and he takes many men to Musjid with him. In normal circumstances I would have been ok. But I think emotionalism got me. So when he returned I was already busy with tasbeeh. Tears dried. Crying over.
    But after ishraaq I was a bit distant. And he felt it. So he came to hug me. Play with me. And I was like. “ Iyou never care that I was crying .”
    And he’s like “ but baby , I didn’t know u was crying . U never made a sound !”
    And it was over. Fresh tears fell and he hugged and kissed me till I stopped.
    So silly we women are. Really.

    Liked by 10 people

      1. آمين يا رب العالمين. After 30 odd years we still play games . Even hide and seek. Lol.
        It’s fun. The secret to a happy marriage is to teach and encourage each other in Deen. Habibi has been reading the 2 sunnah of fajr at home for years. This brings love between spouses.
        And then we have been each other’s Quran and zikr companion. Challenging each other in zikr. But sitting and making tilawaah of Quran together. We haven’t let go of that. اَلْحَمْدُ لِلّه.
        May اللَّه سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى grant all spouses love and barakah آمين يا رب العالمين

        Liked by 3 people

  4. Yay welcome back, so happy for the surprise chapter,if only things between fazila and Ahmed get better, I hope he doesn’t decide to go for jihaad or give her a divorce. I have a feeling something unpleasant is going to unfold.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Yay jzk for wonderful post now I am starting to feel sorry for Ahmed fazeela should make him fell good here is her chance to prove to him or he will start to miss his mum that would be bad for their marriage I am hoping some good comes out of them leaving ahmeds parents home

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You’re back! I’m so glad alhumdulillah. I was checking my email everyday on the off chance that you post.

    I’m so glad you’re feeling better shukr, I didn’t want to push you, so waited and didnt message but we really really missed your lovely blog.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Alhamdulillah you’re back and okay! 🌈💛 I thought couples just kiss and make up after every fight, just kidding 😂😂 – I hope their relationship gets better soon 💛💛

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Wah! You back allhmdullah.. so happy..
    I thought only I expected men to be mind readers 😂.. I think they v.dumb in that sense..
    Jazakallah for highlighting a v.important point here..
    So happy to have you back..

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Amazing post MashaAllah… 👌👌👌

    Love the fact that she sought therapy… Its really needed to stay sane…

    I sooooo needed this post today…. I learnt the hard way that men can be soooo dense most of the time….💔
    Sometimes i wonder if its even worth getting angry if in the end i have to explain in detail why i got angry…. Most of the time i suck it up but sometimes when its unbearable then all past mistakes come up and it turns into horrible mess…. So now i just calmly explain why i am angry/upset/hurt before going the silent route…. Atleast they should know why i am silent…. 😂 no use staying silent without explaining…

    I am seriously worried about how they are going to progress in their relationship…
    P.s : sorry for the long comment…🙈

    Liked by 6 people

    1. Shukran ukhti 😘
      Yes exactly! I used to do the same,go the silent route..it didn’t work! Hubby used to just wait for me to come back to normal by myself🤦🏻‍♀️ so now I go and explain everything to him so he knows why I’m upset. I feel that’s more productive than expecting them to know what’s going on because they hardly get it!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Yayyyy ur back alhumdulillah!! Missed the posts! I totally needed this just like the rest! Only yesterday I got upset and I thought my husband would know the reason but khair, a whole day passed and I ended up having to explain why I was upset and bichara he didn’t even have a clue why I was so moody 🙈🙊 then I felt so bad cuz he didn’t say a word when I was getting angry …it’s so true tho they really aren’t mind readers and WE really need to understand this as it’ll put an end to such petty issues…Learnt so much from this post! JazaakAllah khair

    Liked by 6 people

  11. Oh no.. I really do hope things come around.. they were both Soo much in love.. dear authoress please save them😪

    It’s also great to have you back.. Allah make all asaan for you.. jazakillahu kheir for a lovely but sad post😢

    Liked by 3 people

  12. Welcome back sister, you were missed whilst on your break…
    This post is such a mind opener to all us married women who think men should know our inner most feelings and thoughts and when they don’t then we guilt trip them into expecting to know us…
    When I get upset and hubby asks what’s wrong and I say nothing, he just looks at me and walks away then I get more upset because I feel he doesn’t care but not realizing that I was the one who chased him away🤦‍♀️
    In any relationship communication is key and the most important for it to be successful…
    Hope Fazila and Ahmed can talk through their problems and go back to be the fun loving couple they were before all this mil fiasco…

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Shukran ukhti 😘
      So true…we all react like that I think. I used to till I realised it wasn’t getting me anywhere…now I try and explain everything which is more productive…
      Let’s hope so!👍🏻

      Like

  13. Oooooo you back shukar..
    Okay I love the post but I want to just add my bit..
    I am not married so I don’t know how these things unfold but I see a different bond within marriage.a bond of you can complete my sentence type..while I understand the direction of the blog I would want you to add a bit of this in the message. I don’t know why but I only see sadness in this marriage I only see struggle to survive especially after the honeymoon was over . I don’t want to build my image of marriage as something with a struggle so I’d appreciate some post that highlights something positive about marriage.
    Although I understand the blog is so close to reality. And infact it is some people’s reality but it would be good to add some good times in their marriage.. much-needed positive vibes

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “You can either move forward from this together, stronger than ever…or not at all. The decision is in your hands.” that’s your hint ukhti. Marriage is not a bed of roses, it’s got the thorns and dirt as well but sometimes these things actually bring you closer. And it will with these two as well inshaAllah. Don’t worry,marriage is not all doom and gloom as well😉 it’s heaven with days of he’ll sprinkled in between lol. But those first sentences basically sum it up…

      Liked by 3 people

  14. Awesome post as always…just that sometimes we off load on our husbands and we give them more to stress about…we should rather pick our battles wisely because they don’t usually understand everything(men😮😮😮) Turning to Allah is the best way to feel better and ask for His guidance🌸🌸

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Yeah you’re back 🎊🎉🎈🎉🎊
    JazaakAllah khair for the most awaited post and the excellent lessons conveyed. Happy to look forward to a Monday again 😃

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Love the posts 🌸..

    Also, (seeing as the blog is set in PE) wanted to know if you know of halaal friendly places to stay and things to do in PE ?

    Liked by 1 person

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